On Motherhood

I remember thinking I did everything right.

"If you could get pregnant easily, you’d be certain that’s because God shows favor on people who follow the rules. Trust me, you would be an obnoxious person to be around and this humbling in your life and your theology is truly necessary."

I remember hearing "just relax", "my parents conceived me on vacation", "God will give you a child when you least expect it". 

"You try to trick God into thinking you’re letting go of your hope for a baby because maybe if you do, he’ll let you have one."

When adoption was first mentioned, I didn't want to hear it. To me, it was a loss of my dream, my vision for my life. Marriage, pregnancy, six kids. Or something like that. I was out of control. I didn't have control. My life was not my own. I've known this before, but now I felt it and it hurt, so I fought. God gave me grace and time. My firstborn came two and half years later, bursting into our world and startling us with parenthood. 

God blessed us so abundantly with Epiphany, our sudden burst of light. Her adoption was amazingly smooth and easy. I remember wondering why is it easy? Should I be prepared for the other shoe to drop? I was prepared for the other shoe to drop. Both of us were geared up, wound up, ... for anything. But mostly it all happened so fast I didn't have time to worry or be scared. And God was good there too. 

While we don't feel financially ready yet for another adoption, we feel mentally strengthen for something new. More. Harder. And that scares me. In my conversations with Him, I admit that I'm not willing to follow Him when it's hard and He's getting us ready for what I categorize as "hard".

I am so surprised that I even have these conversation with our Lord. He is revealing Himself to me in a new way, a friendly way, a way that invites me in to complain, to question and to wrestle. And I'm so glad that my fears are revealed and that I am admitting them. 

But to God all things are possible and I shouldn't worry about the hard toil it may take on me and my stamina. My life is hid in Christ and He loves, gives and dies whole bodily as He purposefully follows the will of the Father. 

"you can’t even begin to imagine the children that are waiting for you. Your dreams for a family aren’t big enough. While you’re begging and bargaining with God for just one healthy pregnancy, you have no idea that his plan for you is much bigger."

I'm excited for His plan for my life. I am so thankful to have Jesse along side me, encouraging our prayers. I love having a Sudden Courageous reminder that God blesses, gives and bestows such joy on His children.